A life in one's hands
by Lynn Kugawa
Summary: There it was. The capsule. The last one he would ever swallow if he accepted the game - live or die. But he was thankful. Thankful for what she has done for him. But what if there was no way back? currently paused. may continue anytime.
1. Game

I .. have no words. Gotta love you guys. I'm so happy, I can't tell you. 8 reviews on my last story. In letters: eight.  
Thank you to the three guests; to **Shiho M **(again), **lil'chrome-chan **(my feels. One of the first FF I ever read was one of yours!), **Kudo2315 **(again!), **jackjiahe **(your long and constructive review helped me a lot!) and **hai-edogawa **('gain).

All in all the message was: grammar errors and more potential for longer stories than I think.  
I don't know where I should work on the first one though. spend/spent was pointed out, but something else?  
Today was kind of long and this came to my mind. Short and random. enjoy anyway.  
I try to write a story with chapters, whenever a wild idea appears.

**Detective Conan belongs to Gosho Aoyama.**

She held it in her hands. It was blue and white. His old self, known as Shinichi Kudo. She put the capsule in a metal box, together with wadding.

Her job was done here.

The antidote gave a probability of 100 % in working. Either would he die or stay in his adult form. Conan Edogawa would disappear. Forever. It would make his cells resist against the APTX 4869.

She would call him over soon and already asked herself if he would accept the game – swallow it and live or die.

One thing for sure: he'd ask her if she would take a capsule herself. She already prepared her answer, more than one time already. But she also knew that there were two things he could do. He could either swallow it or he wouldn't. She wondered what his reason would be if he chose the second thing.  
He had somebody waiting on him. There would be no problem if he just would go back into his old life. He would come up with something why Conan suddenly disappeared. That made her smile for no reason and she put the capsule between her thumb and index finger.

_Are you ready to play a game, Kudo? I got you._


	2. Roulette

Now that I continue this one (at least for one chapter, maybe this will turn out to be longer, who knows!) I'll reply to the reviews I got so far here.

**jackjihahe, **I tried to put your tips in this one. And yeah, I took my time to read all over it since it wasn't that long. Should do that always. But laziness is a strong force. Thank oyur for the long review once again, such thing always helps to improve :)  
**lil'chrome-chan**, oh, that was "Not Sherry's christmas"! I really enjoyed it :D

Actually I wrote the start of this before now Chapter one, I stopped in the middle of it 'cause I thought "It's nothing new" blabla. But now that I decided to include jack's idea ... here you go. I think I'll always write such a sentence at the end, I find it kinda cool xD  
**Detective Conan belongs to Gosho Aoyama.**

He held it in his hands. It was blue and white. A life. His old self, known as Shinichi Kudo. She had put it in a metal box, together with wadding. He held it between his thumb and index finger and looked at it searchingly. He couldn't believe that a whole person could be in such a small capsule. But he knew it was true.

"So Haibara ... this is the antidote?" he asked slowly.

"Yes. With a probability of 99 %. 100 % effective for sure. Either you'll stay in your grown-up form or you'll die. After you took it Conan Edogawa will disappear into the land of imaginary persons."

Actually, she was lying to him. After she finished the capsule she still had blood samples from Conan and some of its content left. Why shouldn't she try it? But when she put both of them together and watched it from her microscope, nothing happened. That shocked her for a second. He already swallowed too much antidote for the final one to work. Nothing at all would happen if he took that one. Not even symptoms would set of. But she decided to lie to him and not telling the truth. She was way too curious how would he react if the roulette apparently would end in another way both of them thought.

But it was also possible there would be another result if he would swallow it all in a capsule. So 10 % possibility for working. Then 50 % for surviving and 50% possibility for dying. She all wrote it down in a tree diagram. She always loved math.

"Seems like a Russian roulette to me. You love such kind of stuff, don't you?" he said while grinning at her.  
If she wouldn't know he would stay as he was that grin would've hurt since it was the last one Conan Edogawa would ever give. "It's not the time for coming up with deductions, Kudo-kun. Just tell me if you're gonna swallow it or not. If yes, I'll go get my stuff for writing down the final results from my object of study. If not, just give me back the box." she hold out her hand.  
"What about you? You won't take an antidote if it works, will you?" There it was. The question she always thought he'll ask. She didn't had to think about it, not even for a second.

"No, of course not. Shiho Miyano has no life anymore. So... yes or no?"  
"Yes, I'll take it."

He wondered how everything would turn out if he was Shinichi Kudo for good again. They were real near to take the organization down and he didn't know if he should go back to Ran now. With the goal so near – what if he die in that fight? He would come back to her and then would disappear again. Forever and always.

"We can start now, Kudo." the neutral voice of the scientist suddenly changed the topic of his thoughts.  
"I recommend you to change into your old clothes. I'm not really in the mood to see you naked when you suddenly grow out them, you know."  
He turned a bit red. "Yeah, right … thank you for reminding me." he said and went behind the sofa. When he came into her field of vision he wore a blue shirt and a jeans. "No school uniform?" "No, I decided to hide from Ran until it's all over." "Whatever. Lie down on the sofa. I'll give you the pill and a glass of water then."  
When he lay there, with a big pillow under his head and seeing the girl sitting next to him on a stool, something came to his mind he hadn't realized before. He was thankful for everything she had done for him, but he never told her. But now it was time.  
"Haibara?" "What is it?" "Thank you." she was writing in her notes and didn't look up. "For what?" "For everything you've done for me. I'm really thankful." "Don't be so mawkish, that's not you."

He felt nothing. No heat, no speeding up heart beat. No pain in his bones. He just lay there feeling nothing but he softness of the pillow, the material of his cloths and still some moisture left from the water in his mouth. Nothing has changed.  
"H-Haibara?" "12:34 p.m; still nothing has changed after seven minutes. Curing from APTX 4869 failed on Conan Edogawa after a few successfully changes into his old body." she mumbled and closed her note book after writing down what she just said.  
"W-what do you mean by 'failed'?" he asked with his voice shaking.  
"Like the meaning says: I failed. The antidote failed. It was the best I could do, Kudo-kun. There's no way I can find a cure for you anymore, your body won't accept any pills. You've taken to many of them already." she said calmly while looking into his eyes, waiting for his reaction. His eyes widened after her words.  
"Y-you mean I have to stay like this? In this child's body?" "Exactly."  
"HOW COULD YOU?! I- YOU- YOU'VE DONE THIS TO ME AND NOW-" he suddenly stopped. He didn't noticed he started screaming and was real angry. She looked at him as she didn't care. "I didn't- I didn't mean to, Haibara. I know you've done your best but- but it's hard to believe I can't be Shinichi Kudo anymore. At least I'm still alive, right? I kind of won the Russian roulette." he stood up, still in his too big clothes and went behind the sofa to get his child's ones and to the door frame. He turned around one last time.  
"You should know that I'm still thankful. See you tomorrow at school, I guess?" "Sure." he slowly walked up the stairs.

She expected that kind of reaction. He would be mad. Would be mad about how it was her fault he was stuck most of time in that body of a 7-year-old- How it was her fault he couldn't be together with the girl he loves and making her wait. How it was her fault now that he wouldn't go back into his old life and has to stay as he was.

_What will you do now? Shinichi Kudo won't come back._


	3. Fence

And yet another update since I'm a writing mood today. When you got an actual story line it's real easy to write a story with chapters.  
I really try to include all tips and suggestions given to me :)  
Thank you to **jackjihahe**, **IIorangeII **(good to see a new face!) and **hai-edogawa**.

For the last part:  
_blabla _is Haibara's thoughts as always but the normal font coming afterwards is Conan's thoughts.

**Detective Conan is owned by Gosho Aoyama.**

behold of the epic horizontal line I just happened to discover.

* * *

He went back with her to the professor's house after school the day after. Normally she would complain about she can walk alone by herself perfectly fine. She knew he would've wanted to talk.  
When she came back from the 1st floor he already sat down on the sofa. She took a seat on the other side of the table. Hakase was nowhere to see, they were alone for now.

"What do you want to talk about, Kudo-kun?"  
He was silent for a while.  
"I don't know what to do now." A pause.  
"And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry Haibara. I didn't think about my promise yesterday. I just was way too eager to get my old body back that I didn't even manage to realize how I should keep it. I mean, I would've been 17 then and you seven. There's no way I could've been with you all the time to protect you. I was selfish. Again. Damn."

_Every human being is selfish. They keep forgetting their promises as well._

He looked at her desperately.  
"And Ran... I will wait until I tell her who I am until the organization is down. It's still to dangerous. And I have to tell her not wait ten years or something, just for me. She has to be happy. As it seems with somebody else than me."

_I don't want you to look at me like that. I'm no answer to all your questions, chasing after the truth._

"And for Shinichi Kudo... he has to die or getting lost. I feel like someone killing himself after all..."

_You don't. You're just not running away from fate.  
Isn't it hard to do the things you already told others?  
Accepting your own sayings can be tricky.  
You give advice to other whom are in a complete different situation - but when you slip into it as well..._

"I put my trust in you." he suddenly said after he kept quiet when he realized she was deep in her thoughts.  
"I put my trust in you." he repeated, when she looked at him, confused.  
"I took the pill, just accepted what you said about its effectiveness. Simply accepted the Russian roulette. I trust you so much that you wouldn't let me die."  
"Am I supposed to feel honored now? And you're getting mawkish lately."

_Someday, someday when there's a need we should know everything about each other I'll tell him I just played a little game then... Someday._

"If it failed in the bad way even me would've been no help. It would've been to late."  
"Geez, Haibara. We'll be together now for longer than both of use ever expected. I just trying to be nice, if that might be a part of your own dictionary as well."  
There was a long pause once again.

She started reading a magazine and he lay down on the sofa, staring at the ceiling.  
"What if..." he started speaking out of nowhere, making her looking up. He turned on his side so he could look at her. "What If I asked you to take the antidote after I did?"  
"I would've asked you if you were a moron since you already have a girlfriend." she said calmly and started reading again.

_Don't ask questions like that... I'm sure you don't want to hear the actual truth.  
But what can you call truth after all? Is something the truth you aren't sure of?  
Can you lie to yourself about something that isn't true?  
Can you lie to others about it?_

He fell down on his back again and sighed quietly.  
Both of them didn't say what they've wanted to. One simply couldn't in this situation, the other didn't know how.

_I wonder what happens when it's time._  
I don't want her to be like this anymore. I feel she's not honest with me. But it always has been like this.  
_If they get us to break us down. Beat the life out of us.  
_When it's over... When it's over I want to see her true face. I want to see a true smile of hers more often.

_Can this little fence protect me from the big black storm?_

* * *

Do you want how Conan Ran tells truth included in the story? As a real chapter I mean, written from 3rd Person but with his thought. If not, I'll just make him tell about how it was.

Next update will be tomorrow.


	4. Even

As promised, the update :)

**Kudo2315**, you mean since I didn't replied to you comment? nah xD Why should I get tired of you? Of somebody helping me to improve? Oh and I meant that chapter would take place after this one.  
**hai-edogawa**, thanks for your compliment! I guess there's improvement for real. Oh yes, that's a silly mistake, but too lazy to fix that orz;

Thank you for reviews guys!  
**Detective Conan is owned by Gosho Aoyama.**

* * *

"Sherry, Sherry, Sherry." he said rebuking like a teacher.  
"Detectives are not the kind of guys for you. They're too curious. Want to know everything. Investigating is their mission in life. They're searching everywhere for the truth until they found it." He strengthened his grip around the neck of the little boy and corrected the position of his gun on his temple.  
"You know what happens to civilians knowing about our secret, right? They have to die. So have traitors. But the detective survived and the traitor escaped from her prison. Isn't that right, Shinichi Kudo?" he asked, talking to the boy in his arm.  
"I wonder what would happen to crime if you were one of the good guys, Gin." he said with a bit of strain in his voice.  
"Heh. My blood is black through and through, Mr. Detective. And my sense of justice isn't what the law says."

"But it would be interesting."  
"We talked long enough." he released the safety catch of his gun. Haibara's eyes widened.  
"My, my. Do you care that much about this brat that you get scared when I just do that little move? You like him, don't you, Sherry? From what I've seen I might say you even _love_ him. Not sure of that though."  
Conan started fidgeting in Gin's arm.  
"Run Haibara, run as long as you still can!" he shouted.  
"But you said I shouldn't run away from fate!"  
"This isn't fate, this is your death you moron! He just uses me as a lever so he can kill you easily! Run you goddamn idiot!"  
"At least there's intelligence in his brain." Gin determined while tapping the gun barrel against Conan's head.  
"It's your choice, Sherry. Either you will come to me and I'll let this brat go so he could escape and I'll kill you directly or you run away and I'll kill him and chase after you. Do you love him so much you'd even give your life for him?"

She took a step forward, hesitantly.  
"Good girl."  
Conan's fidgeting got more desperate. There was nothing he could do to stop her. He was too weak as a little boy and Gin destroyed his Power-Kick-Boots and his football belt as well. In his stun watch was no arrow anymore. He could nothing do about Haibara willing to give her life to save him. Suddenly steps coming nearer were heard. Three faces turned around when a white blond woman appeared.  
"Ah, Vermouth. Nice to see you around. I was about to finish you job." Gin turned around to look at Haibara again. She saw what Vermouth was doing behind his back, but before she could say anything Gin suddenly let go of Conan and he fell to the ground, coughing. Gin was shoot from the woman standing seven meters behind him. Conan turned around stunned.  
"Why … why did you save us, Vermouth?"  
"For saving someone a logical reason isn't necessary, right?" she said an winked. "We're even now, Silver Bullet." she simply went away after that.

Conan looked at Haibara, whom was staring at the body next to him. He saw as tears filled her eyes and were about to drop. He stood up, dust brush of his clothes and went over to her. He hugged her very softly, first just so she could have a shoulder to cry on then he laid her arms around her carefully. He heard a sniffle and few gasps like someone does while crying and snapping for air. He felt his jacket getting a bit wet from all her tears. He was sure it were ones of joy, relief but mostly shock. He stroked her hair a bit.  
"Shhhhsh, it's over now Haibara. It's finally over."  
He was glad he finally could be a comforter to her, not like the first time she cried when she realized he could've saved her sister in no time.

_I feel comforted with him around. I like him, no doubt about it. But do I love him? Was the force that got me to make that decision love? Is it possible I fell for him?  
Was Gin right for once?_


	5. Truth

You guys asked why I decided to let the plot move forward so fast. That is so since I wanted to focus more on that what happened after they took the organization down, hope you understand :/  
and for no update yesterday - I was a lazy butt and to be honest; to lazy to write anything at all orz;_  
_from now on I don't have thought of anything how to continue so updates might keep being less recently than they used to, sorry for that xx  
thank you to the guest and **jackjihahe** and **hai-edogawa** as always~!  
**Detective Conan is owned by Gosho Aoyama.**

* * *

"How was it?"

"What?" he said, not paying real attention.  
"Yesterday you told Mori-san you were Shinichi all along, right? How was it?"  
"Don't think there's a need to tell you about that." he still looked into his book and read.  
"Actually there isn't, that's true. But I'd like to know if I can still look into her eyes from now on."  
He put the book away with an annoyed face. "Well, I told her why I couldn't tell her about my real identity. And when she asked when I'd come back I said I … I mean, him wouldn't come back anymore. In the reasons I didn't include you, don't worry. It's still your decision if you tell about whom you really are or not." He took the book again and continued reading.

"What about where you live?"  
"Of course I said that I'd live with you and Hakase if she didn't want to have me around anymore. But she didn't want to." he smiled a sad smile. "She even said she'll still wait for me. For me growing up again. As if there would be no chance I'd change over these ten years, she as well. Heh." he looked at her now with a sad look in his eyes.  
"It will be more hard for us to forget about each other this way. I don't want her to waste ten years of her love life just to wait for me. That's just not right. I'm a little boy now. There's no right for me having her doing that." he looked in his book again, that sad smile on his lips again. She stayed silent.

_It would hurt both of you even more, right? It all started when you told her how you truly feel. Since then things just got worse._

After a few minutes he added: "I really think about moving to the two of you, Haibara. I don't want to hurt her. Not anymore. When I'm old enough I'll go back to his house."  
There was it once again. The "him", the "he". Just like Shinichi Kudo didn't exist on this planet anymore.  
"What's this 'his' about anyway, Kudo-kun?"  
"If you think that I can't get over the fact there's no cure - that's not it. It will all be 'his' sooner or later. He has to disappear, remember? Conan Edogawa will take his place, not for real though."

_His place... in fact, I've never known Shinichi Kudo. I just got to know Conan Edogawa from the very first beginning. If he starts talking about himself in the 3__rd __person now they have to be like two different persons._

He didn't care about that she didn't say much all this talk. It was kind of releasing - getting all these thoughts into words. "Didn't it beg you too what Gin said that night, before Vermouth shoot him down?"  
"What exactly?" Even though she already knew the answer.  
"The way you feel about me." this direct question shocked her for a moment.  
He never asked directly. Never. But things changed - was it he finally got the courage to do so or did he simply realized there was a requirement for it? She got her poker face back very fast.

_Truth? Half lie, half truth? Or just lying? What is for the best – for both him and __I?_

"I'm not sure if you want to hear the truth."  
"Does it hurt too much, Haibara?" He stood up from his chair and put a hand on her shoulder. "I don't rush you. But I really want to hear your answer. Not now, not tomorrow. Someday is enough." He made a short pause. "If you'd ask me I guess I wouldn't have an answer myself." He walked out of the door, as he always did before, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

_Kudo... you don't want me to burn alive, right? Stop giving me hope already..._


	6. Goodbye

_It has been a week - I told you I had no ideas xD  
But yesterday evening I read a fantastic Shinichi x Shiho fanfic in German and when I was at the latest chapter and finished it, this idea came to my mind. Hope inspiration will keep up being there and I don't update week by week or so!_

_**hai-edogawa**__, I was kind of referring to episode 335/336, the "Secret of the Tohto Film Development Studio" case. Yukiko told her son that Haibara has been staring at his face many times that day already and girls just would to that if a boy has something on his face or if they like him. He later asked her "Is there something on my face?", so it was indirect ^^ thx for reviewing._

_elsewise thanks to __**Kudo2315**__, __**GeniueProdigy**__, __**Reina **__and __**Killthief99**__.  
__**Detective Conan belongs to Gosho Aoyama.**_

* * *

He sat in Kogoro's office chair, cross-legged, reading the news paper.  
A quite small article on the front page caught nearly everybody's attention in Tokyo that day. It wasn't conspicuous neither about a real important topic – it was just a bit of text with a photo. But a lot of people would say "I told you!", maybe with a sad undertone.

_Shinichi Kudo, well-known high school detective, was officially proofed dead after he disappeared for a long time. He died in an explosion caused by gas when he tried to catch a criminal, which was about to commit suicide. The police confirmed this around yesterday evening._

Conan folded the "Daily Tokyo News" and smiled a sad smile. There it was. The message that Shinichi left earth forever. His father with his "Interpol friends" and the FBI helped him to die. To erase whom he really was. Of course there was no corpse, just burned body parts. But they put his fingerprints and this way his DNA all around the place so the police would think that Shinichi Kudo died in that house.  
Nothing the records need to be faked by police officers and nobody new has to know he was still alive and just wanted to take his own place as Conan Edogawa.  
He hasn't decided yet if he should tell Megure, Sato or Takagi someday that he in fact was already ten years older and already helped the police a lot and would like to start again. Maybe he'd just start living in a peaceful way now that everything was over.

He put the paper out of his hands and leaned back. He guessed it would be better to tell Kogoro – but was that really needed? Was it in fact needed he still lived with the Moris?  
He didn't know what would hurt her more – whether he just went away to live with Haibara and Hakase or that he was staying; she'd still cook for him, treat him like a little brother, simply acting as she didn't know the truth at all so Kogoro won't get any suspicions.  
But was it right? Was it right he did as Ran wished and stayed? He'd find it a pain seeing the one he loves day by day but couldn't be with her since she was captured in the body of a child.  
It would make everything just more complicated and last longer – would it?

He thought back when he told her everything, that he was Shinichi all along and why he couldn't tell her. There was first anger, then sadness and after that relief and joy in her eyes. She went down on her knees, hugging him softly and slightly started crying. She was so glad he's alright but still she couldn't believe she was right so many times and so many times he changed her mind he was just a little boy after all.  
It was so easy to tell her he wouldn't be Shinichi Kudo anymore; seems like he already let go of his old self long ago. He sighed and grinned a bit. Who was he now? Conan Edogawa doesn't exist and Shinichi Kudo is dead. Who was he? He had no identity.  
He couldn't be the one he used to be and couldn't be the one he was now.

Just like Haibara. Like Haibara... despite the fact she could be Shiho Miyano, just if she felt like it.  
He started rotating the chair.  
It might be selfish, but he didn't want her to leave him behind. He didn't want her to leave. Ai Haibara was an important part of Conan Edogawa's life. It's not like he didn't care when he was back in his old body but they couldn't be together the way they used to when he would be his old self again.  
He stopped the chair by pushing one feet against the wall.  
It was kind of sad, wasn't it? He would've left her without thinking the day she told him she finished the antidote but he didn't want her to leave him. It wasn't logical. But logic is flexible and everyone thinks about it differently.  
He turned back to the table, looking at his photo in the news paper. No, rather that one of Shinichi Kudo.

_Sayonara, Shinichi-niichan. We won't see each other around anymore._


End file.
